Yeah, sorry its taken me so long to post another update on how this sabbatical is going. Its been a very odd week full of fun, depression, meeting new people, catching up with old friends and writing.
After getting back from the US last year, I realised that I needed three things to keep me happy, sane and comfortable. I always thought that my comfort zone was small because of a lack of self confidence, but looking back at what I've done, and what I've achieved makes me realise that actually my comfort zone is huge when I go off and out, and only tiny when I stand still.
The most fun I've had, and the times I've felt like myself, are my trips to Canada, Africa, and the US. Last time I was in Sweden I relaxed more then I think I ever have, and I'm hoping the same will happen again.
So this is my last day at home before heading off to Lincoln and then Sweden. I promise pictures! The three things I realised I needed - Space, Structure and Social - I understand now are more important then ever. In California I had these things and it made me happy. At Bishop's Ranch I had structure and routine; meals at a set time, group exercises at at set time, swimming first thing in the morning etc etc. They weren't set in stone, but I knew this is what my day contained, and if I wanted to do something else, that was fine, but I always had the comfort to come back to these routines.
On an average week I have the same. I have to leave the house at a certain time to get to work, I have a set lunch hour, and I have regular evening things that I do for each day of the week. Obviously I can change this things, miss an evening's gaming or taking holiday, but the routine is in place for when I come back. Its safe, secure, comfortable.
I need space. When I'm put on the spot, asked a question that I wasn't expecting (or sometimes was expecting but don't have an answer for), it sends me into panic. Not like a crazy Aaaaarrrrggggghhhh panic, but my brain goes blank and I stutter and don't have an answer. Weirdly if something bad happens, or threatening, I react to this really well. In fact the whole thing becomes reversed. If I think about a threat or something going wrong, I panic. Odd yes? Anyway, I digress. I'm sure people at work, friends and family can all relate to a time when I've been asked a question, sometimes a simple one - How much did we spend on Professional Fees last month? Do you want to come over for Dinner? I freeze up generally. I need space, even if its just a few minutes, to figure things out, look things up and confirm my initial reaction. The last thing I want to do is get something wrong, or give false hopes. I get "people'd out" quite quickly, where I just need to have space. Not alone time, just space from being part of the conversation. Space allows me to reflect, to become comfortable with decisions. (I was lying on my bed, finding myself getting down, and I forced myself up to write this blog. I have quite alot to do today, starting with picking up my kroner in Glos which I had to order earlier this week, and then shopping, packing, tidying. But first thing I just found myself staring at the ceiling. Writing this is giving me the space to put down my thoughts, and I'm already feeling better. More motivated.)
And social... human contact... This surprised me the most. I often say how I "Don't like people". People are annoying, selfish, grumpy. Of course that's strangers. People I know or meet are actually fun, giving and happy - generally. But although I'm not good socially (in my own mind at least - I get shy, run out of things to say, get bored of what others are saying, and generally just want to escape), when I'm comfortable all these negative thoughts drift away and I find myself inspired and full of energy.
Its coming to the end of the third week of my sabbatical, and I really wish I'd gone away from the start. Ok it wasn't possible, money and things breaking meant that I had to stay put, and actually the first two weeks were really really good. I wrote loads, I got out loads, I met new people and had a lot of fun. But the last few days have been really hard. I can feel myself spiraling downwards. Going away tomorrow probably couldn't come at a better time!
Interestingly my writing has also become darker. The Crew have just been hit with a nasty shock, and are now heading into the gloom of the Mines, unaware of what nightmare awaits them. The story is building up to its climax and its all very exciting. Don't worry I'm not depressed :) Just meh.
I've lost my structure. Some mornings I've been up and about at 6am, others I've stayed in bed until gone 9am (which hasn't helped my back!). Some nights I've gone to bed at 9pm, and others I've stayed up until the early hours of the following morning. I eat at funny times, and what I eat is inconsistent. I've had days at home, pure full on writing, and others where I've driven around various parts of the Forest and into Wales, visiting ruined Iron Mines, railway stations and castles. Very few days have been planned, and spontaneous is good in many ways, but draining and unfulfilling in others. I've stopped my regular gaming nights, golfing evenings, going round to my Mum and Dad's for a meal. I honestly can't even work out what day it is without looking. The last four days seem to have just blended into one.
I've had space, but the wrong sort of space. I've had social aspects, but probably not enough. Chatting with friends and family daily helps organise my mind and my thoughts. I've had to many days spent alone.
So there is only one thing to do. Sort it out! Stop moping. Be positive!
The story is going well, and that's good. I've written 51,453 words, over 18 chapters. Drafted out another 22 chapters... although I'm expecting this to reduce one I get writing, I have some twists I need to work out, but importantly I've picked out an Agent to whom I'm going to send it when its finished. Things are picking up momentum, and there is no way I could have gotten this far without the sabbatical - and I'm thankful to my bosses for that.
Writing this, its becoming clearer that I've had 2 days of meh and 17 of awesome. Ha! Who knew. So I start writing this feeling sorry for myself, and finish it feeling upbeat and positive!
Thank you for reading, and taking this journey with me :)
Matt
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